Tag Archives: forgiveness

Frey Freyday – Guilt

(Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff….)

Guilt-[gilt] -the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability:

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. Eckhart Tolle

 With integrity, you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity, you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt. Zig Ziglar

Guilt is cancer. Guilt will confine you, torture you, destroy you as an artist. It’s a black wall. It’s a thief. Dave Grohl

 No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now. Alan Watts

We all feel the urge to condemn ourselves out of guilt, to blame others for our misfortunes and to fantasize about total disaster. Deepak Chopra

Guilt: punishing yourself before God doesn’t. Alan Cohen

Throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done and worry about what might be done. Guilt; You can sit there forever, lamenting about how bad you’ve been, feeling guilty until you die, and not one tiny slice of that guilt will do anything to change a single thing in the past. Forgive yourself, then MOVE ON! Wayne Dyer

WORD TO LIVE BY:

Guilt – Like worry, it isn’t much use at all. Guilt is looking in the past. Guilt is about making ourselves feel bad to no avail.

What good does guilt do? Others scold us, tell us how we should feel. Often others are being critical or judgmental of our choices – or maybe we’re being critical or judgmental of others and causing guilt upon others. What does that solve? How is guilt useful?

Really, guilt is much like just an insult. We can make ourselves feel guilty or others can feel guilt by something we do or say, and we feel bad about it, like an insult. There is no lesson, no connection, no improvement.

Like worry, we’re churning up ill feelings inside about things we can no longer change.

Some of us use guilt as an excuse to love, to live, to take a chance or to grow.

Like an insult, or like feeling bad, no one can make you feel guilty without your permission.

With guilt, you can’t fully be present, you can’t fully love and live.

The next time you feel guilty for something, ask ‘Is this useful? Is it helpful? Does it make me feel good? Does it improve the situation?”

Release, let go of guilt: If you release guilt, much like forgiving yourself, you will remove a huge weight from your shoulders. Guilt is released through the empowering thought of love and respect for yourself. Forget about and let go of standards of perfection. Forget about your expectations and the expectations of others. Refuse to use up the precious currency of your life, the present moment, with thoughts that continue to berate, frustrate and weaken you.

Instead, learn from the moment, release it, and simply work to be better than you used to be, live in the present, all of which is the true test of nobility.

Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB). Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education. Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally.

So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

BONUS  

TED TALK: We’ll go to the doctor when we feel flu-ish or a nagging pain. So why don’t we see a health professional when we feel emotional pain: guilt, loss, loneliness? Too many of us deal with common psychological-health issues on our own, says Guy Winch. But we don’t have to. He makes a compelling case to practice emotional hygiene — taking care of our emotions, our minds, with the same diligence we take care of our bodies.

https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_the_case_for_emotional_hygiene

Frey Freyday – Reconciliation

(Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff….)

rec·on·cil·i·a·tion-[ˌrekənˌsilēˈāSH(ə)n]-NOUN-the restoration of friendly relations:

We are all one – or at least we should be – and it is our job, our duty, and our great challenge to fight the voices of division and seek the salve of reconciliation. Roy Barnes

The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions. Nhat Hanh

Reconciliation requires changes of heart and spirit, as well as social and economic change. It requires symbolic as well as practical action. Malcolm Fraser

WORD TO LIVE BY: Reconciliation – to allow, facilitate, encourage better discussions for the betterment of all.

We all have disagreements. We always will. We may get upset and angry with these differences in opinion, religion, and politics. But we need to remain civil enough and open-minded enough to discuss it without getting defensive, offensive or violent.

The question is how to look past anger, fear, and even violence to reconcile our differences.

In a world that seems more divided than ever, how do we begin to find middle ground?

First, we have to be able to talk and more importantly, listen.

I learned about a story about some smaller, simpler villages, perhaps even primitive villages, in Africa and how they handle conflict. Whenever tempers rise in those communities, someone goes and hides the poison arrows out in the bush, and then everyone sits around in a circle like this, and they sit and they talk and they talk. It may take two days, three days, four days, but they don’t rest until they find a resolution or better yet — a reconciliation. And if tempers are still too high, then they send someone off to visit some relatives, as a cooling-off period.

What if we “hid our poison arrows” – in our case our poison arrows can be the name calling, the rhetoric, labeling, judgements and even violence. What if we put these in a ‘place’ so that we couldn’t shoot the proverbial arrows, and that we just sat and listened and worked toward a solution rather than arguing?

A negotiator (and Ted speaker), William Wry, suggests this – a system that he calls “the third side.” Because if you think about it, normally when we think of conflict, when we describe it, there’s always two sides — it’s Arabs versus Israelis, labor versus management, husband versus wife, Republicans versus Democrats. But what we don’t often see is that there’s always a third side, and the third side of the conflict is us, it’s the surrounding community, it’s the friends, the allies, the family members, the neighbors. And we can play an incredibly constructive role.

Those of us not directly in the conflict or argument need to step up, lead and help bring perspective.

As Mr. Wry puts it, the third side can help is to remind the parties of what’s really at stake. For the sake of the kids, for the sake of the family, for the sake of the community, for the sake of the future, let’s stop fighting for a moment and start talking. Because, the thing is, when we’re involved in conflict, it’s very easy to lose perspective. It’s very easy to react. Human beings — we’re reaction machines. And as the saying goes, when angry, you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The third side reminds us of that. “The third side helps us go to the balcony, which is a metaphor for a place of perspective, where we can keep our eyes on the prize,” as Mr. Wry stated in his TED Talk.

It is natural to fear things. It is natural to get those instinctual urges left over from evolution to become aggressive and defend our position just as we might have defended our families or our own lives generations ago. We all get angry, defensive. I do it. We react but then we need to be aware and interrupt the pattern. We need to raise our standards, we need to recognize the visceral urge and rise above it, act evolved. Lead, guide, help, assist, think, be kind.

War is easy. Peace is hard.

Elizabeth Lesser, an author, proposed an initiative in her book. We point the finger at others who disagree with us and group them as ‘the others.’ Ms. Lesser’s idea is here to help all of us, myself included, to counteract the tendency to “otherize”, as she puts it. She calls the initiative, “Take the Other to Lunch.” If you are a Republican, you can take a Democrat to lunch, or if you’re a Democrat, think of it as taking a Republican to lunch. Now if the idea of taking any of these people to lunch makes you lose your appetite, I suggest you start more local,because there is no shortage of the Other right in your own neighborhood. Maybe that person who worships at the mosque, or the church or the synagogue, down the street. Or someone from the other side of the abortion conflict. Or maybe your brother-in-law who feels differently about global warming. If there is someone whose lifestyle may frighten you, or whose point of view makes smoke come out of your ears…..take them to lunch or show them some genuine effort.

If we look at those who we disagree with and ask, “Why do they think that – where are they coming from” and if we try to understand them, it helps. We must also look at ourselves and honestly ask why we have our own opinions and realize where we’re coming from. This is essential as well.

Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB). Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education. Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally.

So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

BONUS: TED TALK about RECONCILIATION

http://www.npr.org/programs/ted-radio-hour/503016892/reconciliation?showDate=2016-12-16

 

Frey Freyday – Forgive

 (Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff….)

Forgive – [fer-giv] – to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-Mahatma Gandhi

Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.-Henri Nouwen

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.-Martin Luther King, Jr.

You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.’-Maya Angelou

Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.-Les Brown

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain

WORD TO LIVE BY

Forgive – to forgive and grant peace to someone else, which will also bring peace to you

Forgiveness is necessary, it is a must. It is the right thing to do, for you and the person that you are forgiving. You, the person that is carrying a grudge, cannot move on or progress on that part of your life until you forgive. I advise that, as soon as possible and with sincerity, stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense and forgive them now.

Carrying around a grudge or anger is like carrying around a poison or toxin inside you. It burns you up and eats you alive. The more intense the emotion, the more damage that it can be done.

Example: I knew a relative that held a grudge against two others for 20 years. She didn’t talk to them and felt angry about something all of that time. The two never knew it, they didn’t know she was mad at all. So who lost here? The two who allegedly did something ‘bad’ never carried the guilt or remorse and just plain didn’t know. The other person carried around that anger, that weight, and that negative emotion for 20 years. She thought about it often and couldn’t move on. Had she forgiven them years ago, she could have moved on and probably enjoyed that large part of her life much more.

Want to live a long, happy life? Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. As Ann Landers often said, “hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored, and destroys the vessel on which it is poured.”

Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB).

Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also

a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would

raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other

children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education.

Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally,

sometimes accidentally….

…………….So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

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BONUS

A great blog about forgiveness, apologizing, bitterness from Brendon Burchard

Nothing is served by being bitter. Nothing is served in a relationship by lording over someone else for a mistake or hurtful act. Nothing ever moves from that. There’s no positive movement in a broken relationship without first forgiveness. Forgive, not to approve of others bad behavior, but to unleash your soul from the hurt and bitterness. Let go of the ego and just forgive somebody, not to justify, not to rationalize, not to approve….just do it for your own mental and spiritual sanity, health and vibrancy. Just let it go. You need nothing more.

From the video AND blog post on how to say sorry: http://tmblr.co/ZTb1Dv1JKfK8o

https://www.facebook.com/brendonburchardfan

——–

The transcript of the blog:

I believe that one of the great marks of personal power and spiritual power is the ability to apologize and to forgive.

Often those things are seen, for some weird odd reason, as ‘weak’ things. “Oh well, I don’t want to apologize to her because that will make me look weak.” Or, “I’m not going to forgive him because if I forgive him then that gives him the power.”

People have been thinking about apology and forgiveness in the wrong ways for so long—that’s why we have so many people who are pent up, angry, frustrated, and bitter around the world.

Do you have any bitter critter friends? You know, these people that are just bitter and angry all the time? They’re mad at other people, the injustices of the world, but then when they screw up they can’t even say, “I’m sorry.” Doesn’t that drive you nuts? It’s a lack of congruence, and I think the challenge is that so many people have never really been taught how to think about these things.

Should we apologize to people? Absolutely. If we do something that causes harm or hurts someone’s feelings, even if it wasn’t our intention, even if we think it wasn’t a big deal? Yes. Because guess what?

Apologizing has nothing to do with what we think is a big deal, no matter how smart we are about justifying why someone should not feel that way. “Well she shouldn’t feel that way, so I’m not going to apologize.” It doesn’t matter if you think she should feel that way, if she feels that way, she feels that way.

Because, whatever action you did, whether it deserved to cause that emotion, if she’s having that interaction and feeling, then we ought to say, “I’m really sorry that you’re having that experience, I didn’t intend for that, but I apologize. I want to let you know I want you to be happy. I want you to feel good. I want us to have a good relationship.”

It’s turning that apology into a direct intention, a direct statement that we want things to be better.

You say, “I’m not going to apologize because when I apologize then they really hold me to the ground.” Have you ever apologized to someone and they just won’t accept the apology? They just keep getting meaner and meaner and meaner to you, making you defend yourself, defend yourself, defend yourself?

Don’t play that game. Just say, “You know what, I don’t know what else to say. I’ve totally apologized. I have really nothing else to say about the matter other than I just feel bad. I feel bad that you feel bad. None of us wants to feel bad.”

Don’t let anyone drag you into their emotional drama either. Apologize with sincerity and strength, but do not allow yourself to be drawn into everyone else’s negative emotions. To allow yourself to apologize from a place of knowing you’re doing it with integrity, because you don’t want to cause harm or make anyone feel bad. To do that, but not allow yourself to give over your integrity, to allow someone now to brow beat you into submission, into beating you into a place where you’re emotionally and spiritually completely taxed, where you say I’m not going to apologize anymore.

See, when we apologize we don’t have to give away our power.

It’s coming from a place of real power that allows us to apologize, because when we’re coming from a place of real, raw, emotional and spiritual power, we can apologize because there’s no ego attached to it.

Whatever dance is going to happen after we apologize, we’re not going to be drawn into that dance of drama.

See, part of the reason we don’t want to apologize is because we fear it makes us look wrong, even if we wouldn’t say that or conceptualize that. We feel like, “If I apologize then that means I was wrong.”

What if it has nothing to do with whether or not you were wrong or right, deserved or justified? What if it’s so simple to apologize because it has nothing to do with your ego?

I’ll apologize all day long because me apologizing or pointing out any flaws that I have or any mistakes I’ve made does not diminish me as a person. It grows me as a person. It makes me stronger, more aware and more capable. I want to learn when I mess up, so when someone says you should apologize for that I say, “Okay, I apologize. “ There’s no hook to it for me. I don’t get angry about other people.

“Well, I don’t need to apologize to you, who do you think you are?” Nothing is served from that. I have no ego about these things and it’s so much easier to apologize, because it’s not about you. It’s not about protecting your own mental turf. It’s not about being right.

Most of the frustrations and the anger and bitterness we have to other people is because we feel that we have to be so right and we feel so powerful when we’re right.

It’s like, really?

Just be a spiritual person and be open and allow warmth and love to flow through to you, especially to the people you have hurt.

Let it go. Let go of that need to feel right or justified and your life really does transform. You can literally feel thousands of pounds of baggage releasing from your shoulders the moment you’re spiritually free enough to apologize whenever someone around you has been negatively impacted or took something negative and they felt bad.

Some people just are going to feel bad all the time, so they’ll be asking you for apologies all the time. Your job? Limit your exposure to that person.

You’re like, Brendon, “What if I marry that person.” Don’t blame me I didn’t marry them you married them!

I think you have to have a greater sense of connection with others to realize that if they’re continually offended and continually hurt, to sit them down and say,

“I sense that you were always continually hurt and there is always this thing: I can’t do anything right. So what dialogue would I have to have or what behavior change would I have to have or we have to have in this relationship so that you’re not always hurt? If you’re always going to be hurt, I’m always going to feel bad. And if I’m always going to feel bad and you’re always going to feel bad, where could this relationship ever really go? Let’s have an intentional conversation about what kind of relationship do we really want? Do you and I both want to continue drowning in our drama or do we want to find out a new way we can live and interact together? If we can’t figure out a new way to live and interact together, in which we have true joy, openness, care and compassion and love and fun with each other, then we aren’t doing a good enough job together. Then we have to explore that too.”

And sometimes there are people who just aren’t at the same conscious plain you are—and you don’t say that from a place of ego, you just say it in recognition that they’re still on that plain of hurt and they aren’t ever going to release that plain of hurt.

Maybe you have to be honest with them and have a conversation, maybe they need true therapy. They need true help. Some people truly, cannot resolve their own internal dramas, as much as they try, and you are not a therapist… (maybe you are, I don’t know).

But your job isn’t to be a therapist to your loved ones. Your job is to facilitate that if they need to go get some help, then let them go get some help, and champion that. Don’t create a stigma around it. Let them get some help to resolve their internal dramas that are creating all this negative energy that’s constantly creating bitterness and feuds between the two of you.

That’s your job: “How can I guide this so there’s not as much hurt here.” If you do that well in your relationships you find it so much easier to apologize when you do something.

When someone feels bad around me, I immediately apologize, because I know apology has nothing to do with me. It has to do with their ability and their need to release their bitterness. They’re upset, and if all the need is a simple switch of an apology to release that upset-ness in their life, I want to let them switch that thing all day long.

It’s not about you. It’s about a need they have psychologically to release from something and the apology is the lever for that release.

I’m like, I’ll hand somebody a lever all day long it doesn’t bother me, because it has nothing to do with me. Does that make sense?

If your intentions are pure and your actions are done with true compassion and faith and love in other people, than you’ll find suddenly you don’t have to apologize that much, because your actions are pure and who you are is pure.

You’re doing good things for yourself, first and foremost to have integrity, and then for others, and because you do that, suddenly you don’t make as many mistakes. You don’t hurt people as often, and you just find yourself acting, not in noble ways, but in ways that are true to your real spirit, which is coming from a place of love and compassion anyway.

I think the second part of this in demonstrating real strength is also the ability on your side to forgive.

If someone says, “I’m sorry,” you’re like I get it.

You don’t have to say, “You’re not really sorry,” and until they bleed, you won’t forgive them. You know these people don’t you?

Forgiveness should be as simple as apology for you. Simple.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with you, just like apology might not have anything to do with you. It’s not about ego.

Forgiveness is not something mental that you need to construct in your head, it’s a spiritual discipline.

You know what, there are so many things going on at any given time that could be judged as wrong, as harsh, as terrible, as mean and as vindictive, and what we have to realize is that we could interpret everything that way, everything. If someone cuts you off in traffic you freak out and now you’re going to chase them down and run them off the road, and you won’t forgive them for five days, you’re mad about that guy who cut you off.

You know what you’re carrying? Bitterness and anger. Over a period of years that starts to wear on your face. It starts showing up in your body. It starts to slow you down in your progress in life, because you start thinking people are bad, so you divide yourself from other people. And, because you see other people are as bad then you don’t collaborate as much. You don’t ask for help. You don’t believe in the power of a team to accomplish something, and suddenly you find yourself alone, bitter and alone, because you didn’t have the spiritual wherewithal to forgive.

Forgiving is so simple. It literally is a decision. No justification or cause has to happen, and forgiving does not have to do anything with accepting the other person’s behavior, approving of it, justifying it, rationalizing it or understanding it.

Forgiveness is a personal power saying, I’m not going to be upset. You don’t even have to forgive them. You don’t even have to forgive their actions.. it has nothing to do with them.

Forgiveness has to do with a decision that you’re just going to forgive the weight that you’re carrying around about something that impacted you.

That’s the way to look at it.

It is a spiritual power in just dropping weight of negativity, of negative emotion and energy around you.

I can forgive so fast in my life, not because I’m so wow spiritual, it’s just because I’ve practiced it so many times. I’m constantly like,

“Wow, I’m kind of upset about that. Let me let that go, because it’s not going to serve my life. Let me let that go because if I don’t I can’t sleep tonight. Let me let that go because if I don’t I feel heavy and angry. Let me let that go because when I’m upset or bitter I don’t have a good vision for my future. Let me let that go, because if I carry it I’m going to walk that into my next relationship with someone I love, adore or care. Let me let that go, because nothing is served by being angry.”

Nothing is served by being bitter. Nothing is served in a relationship by Lording over something over someone else’s head. Nothing ever moves from that. There’s no positive movement that comes in a relationship that has been broken without first forgiveness. It has to happen and it has to happen in a place where it’s not about you. Do it just for your spirit.

Let go of the ego and just forgive somebody, not to approve of them, not to justify, not to rationalize. Like I said, just do it for your own mental and spiritual sanity, health and vibrancy. Just let it go. You need nothing more.

Make a decision today that whatever’s bothering you just let it go. Let that challenge of that relationship for now, just let it go and see how that feels. It will lighten the load and will allow you to soar again. It will give you spirit back. It will allow an openness in the life again that never can happen when you’re tugging at all this baggage on your shoulders that you chose to carry. Maybe they threw a piece of baggage at you and you caught it. You caught it and now you’re angry. You simply need to let it go.

I’m not going to carry your stuff anymore. I forgive the situation. I forgive you, only for my own mental sanity. That’s personal power.

That’s how you feel free in life again: From apologizing and allowing forgiveness into your life, you feel free again, and when you feel free again, now life is unbounded. It’s beautiful. The colors return to the sky. The whistle comes back to the work. Any metaphor you need to justify doing this, find it and let it go today.

Apologize when you need to.

Let it go every time, and suddenly you’ll find yourself fully charged.

 

Frey Freyday – Forgive

(Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff….)

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-Mahatma Gandhi

Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.-Henri Nouwen

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.-Martin Luther King, Jr.

You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.’-Maya Angelou

Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.-Les Brown

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain

WORD TO LIVE BY

Forgive – [fer-giv] – to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

 

Forgiveness is necessary, it is a must. It is the right thing to do, for you and the person that you are forgiving. You, the person that is carrying a grudge, cannot move on or progress on that part of your life until you forgive. I advise that, as soon as possible and with sincerity, stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense and forgive them now.

Carrying around a grudge or anger is like carrying around a poison or toxin inside you. It burns you up and eats you alive. The more intense the emotion, the more damage that it can be done.

Example: I knew a relative that held a grudge against two others for 20 years. She didn’t talk to them and felt angry about something all of that time. The two never knew it, they didn’t know she was mad at all. So who lost here? The two who allegedly did something ‘bad’ never carried the guilt or remorse and just plain didn’t know. The other person carried around that anger, that weight, and that negative emotion for 20 years. She thought about it often and couldn’t move on. Had she forgiven them years ago, she could have moved on and probably enjoyed that large part of her life much more.

Want to live a long, happy life? Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. As Ann Landers often said, “hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored, and destroys the vessel on which it is poured.”

Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB).

Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also

a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would

raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other

children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education.

Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally,

sometimes accidentally….

…………….So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

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forgiveness, apologizing, bitterness

A great blog about forgiveness, apologizing, bitterness from Brendon Burchard

Nothing is served by being bitter. Nothing is served in a relationship by lording over someone else for a mistake or hurtful act. Nothing ever moves from that. There’s no positive movement in a broken relationship without first forgiveness. Forgive, not to approve of others bad behavior, but to unleash your soul from the hurt and bitterness. Let go of the ego and just forgive somebody, not to justify, not to rationalize, not to approve….just do it for your own mental and spiritual sanity, health and vibrancy. Just let it go. You need nothing more.

From the video AND blog post on how to say sorry: http://tmblr.co/ZTb1Dv1JKfK8o

https://www.facebook.com/brendonburchardfan

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The transcript of the blog:

I believe that one of the great marks of personal power and spiritual power is the ability to apologize and to forgive.

Often those things are seen, for some weird odd reason, as ‘weak’ things. “Oh well, I don’t want to apologize to her because that will make me look weak.” Or, “I’m not going to forgive him because if I forgive him then that gives him the power.”

People have been thinking about apology and forgiveness in the wrong ways for so long—that’s why we have so many people who are pent up, angry, frustrated, and bitter around the world.

Do you have any bitter critter friends? You know, these people that are just bitter and angry all the time? They’re mad at other people, the injustices of the world, but then when they screw up they can’t even say, “I’m sorry.” Doesn’t that drive you nuts? It’s a lack of congruence, and I think the challenge is that so many people have never really been taught how to think about these things.

Should we apologize to people? Absolutely. If we do something that causes harm or hurts someone’s feelings, even if it wasn’t our intention, even if we think it wasn’t a big deal? Yes. Because guess what?

Apologizing has nothing to do with what we think is a big deal, no matter how smart we are about justifying why someone should not feel that way. “Well she shouldn’t feel that way, so I’m not going to apologize.” It doesn’t matter if you think she should feel that way, if she feels that way, she feels that way.

Because, whatever action you did, whether it deserved to cause that emotion, if she’s having that interaction and feeling, then we ought to say, “I’m really sorry that you’re having that experience, I didn’t intend for that, but I apologize. I want to let you know I want you to be happy. I want you to feel good. I want us to have a good relationship.”

It’s turning that apology into a direct intention, a direct statement that we want things to be better.

You say, “I’m not going to apologize because when I apologize then they really hold me to the ground.” Have you ever apologized to someone and they just won’t accept the apology? They just keep getting meaner and meaner and meaner to you, making you defend yourself, defend yourself, defend yourself?

Don’t play that game. Just say, “You know what, I don’t know what else to say. I’ve totally apologized. I have really nothing else to say about the matter other than I just feel bad. I feel bad that you feel bad. None of us wants to feel bad.”

Don’t let anyone drag you into their emotional drama either. Apologize with sincerity and strength, but do not allow yourself to be drawn into everyone else’s negative emotions. To allow yourself to apologize from a place of knowing you’re doing it with integrity, because you don’t want to cause harm or make anyone feel bad. To do that, but not allow yourself to give over your integrity, to allow someone now to brow beat you into submission, into beating you into a place where you’re emotionally and spiritually completely taxed, where you say I’m not going to apologize anymore.

See, when we apologize we don’t have to give away our power.

It’s coming from a place of real power that allows us to apologize, because when we’re coming from a place of real, raw, emotional and spiritual power, we can apologize because there’s no ego attached to it.

Whatever dance is going to happen after we apologize, we’re not going to be drawn into that dance of drama.

See, part of the reason we don’t want to apologize is because we fear it makes us look wrong, even if we wouldn’t say that or conceptualize that. We feel like, “If I apologize then that means I was wrong.”

What if it has nothing to do with whether or not you were wrong or right, deserved or justified? What if it’s so simple to apologize because it has nothing to do with your ego?

I’ll apologize all day long because me apologizing or pointing out any flaws that I have or any mistakes I’ve made does not diminish me as a person. It grows me as a person. It makes me stronger, more aware and more capable. I want to learn when I mess up, so when someone says you should apologize for that I say, “Okay, I apologize. “ There’s no hook to it for me. I don’t get angry about other people.

“Well, I don’t need to apologize to you, who do you think you are?” Nothing is served from that. I have no ego about these things and it’s so much easier to apologize, because it’s not about you. It’s not about protecting your own mental turf. It’s not about being right.

Most of the frustrations and the anger and bitterness we have to other people is because we feel that we have to be so right and we feel so powerful when we’re right.

It’s like, really?

Just be a spiritual person and be open and allow warmth and love to flow through to you, especially to the people you have hurt.

Let it go. Let go of that need to feel right or justified and your life really does transform. You can literally feel thousands of pounds of baggage releasing from your shoulders the moment you’re spiritually free enough to apologize whenever someone around you has been negatively impacted or took something negative and they felt bad.

Some people just are going to feel bad all the time, so they’ll be asking you for apologies all the time. Your job? Limit your exposure to that person.

You’re like, Brendon, “What if I marry that person.” Don’t blame me I didn’t marry them you married them!

I think you have to have a greater sense of connection with others to realize that if they’re continually offended and continually hurt, to sit them down and say,

“I sense that you were always continually hurt and there is always this thing: I can’t do anything right. So what dialogue would I have to have or what behavior change would I have to have or we have to have in this relationship so that you’re not always hurt? If you’re always going to be hurt, I’m always going to feel bad. And if I’m always going to feel bad and you’re always going to feel bad, where could this relationship ever really go? Let’s have an intentional conversation about what kind of relationship do we really want? Do you and I both want to continue drowning in our drama or do we want to find out a new way we can live and interact together? If we can’t figure out a new way to live and interact together, in which we have true joy, openness, care and compassion and love and fun with each other, then we aren’t doing a good enough job together. Then we have to explore that too.”

And sometimes there are people who just aren’t at the same conscious plain you are—and you don’t say that from a place of ego, you just say it in recognition that they’re still on that plain of hurt and they aren’t ever going to release that plain of hurt.

Maybe you have to be honest with them and have a conversation, maybe they need true therapy. They need true help. Some people truly, cannot resolve their own internal dramas, as much as they try, and you are not a therapist… (maybe you are, I don’t know).

But your job isn’t to be a therapist to your loved ones. Your job is to facilitate that if they need to go get some help, then let them go get some help, and champion that. Don’t create a stigma around it. Let them get some help to resolve their internal dramas that are creating all this negative energy that’s constantly creating bitterness and feuds between the two of you.

That’s your job: “How can I guide this so there’s not as much hurt here.” If you do that well in your relationships you find it so much easier to apologize when you do something.

When someone feels bad around me, I immediately apologize, because I know apology has nothing to do with me. It has to do with their ability and their need to release their bitterness. They’re upset, and if all the need is a simple switch of an apology to release that upset-ness in their life, I want to let them switch that thing all day long.

It’s not about you. It’s about a need they have psychologically to release from something and the apology is the lever for that release.

I’m like, I’ll hand somebody a lever all day long it doesn’t bother me, because it has nothing to do with me. Does that make sense?

If your intentions are pure and your actions are done with true compassion and faith and love in other people, than you’ll find suddenly you don’t have to apologize that much, because your actions are pure and who you are is pure.

You’re doing good things for yourself, first and foremost to have integrity, and then for others, and because you do that, suddenly you don’t make as many mistakes. You don’t hurt people as often, and you just find yourself acting, not in noble ways, but in ways that are true to your real spirit, which is coming from a place of love and compassion anyway.

I think the second part of this in demonstrating real strength is also the ability on your side to forgive.

If someone says, “I’m sorry,” you’re like I get it.

You don’t have to say, “You’re not really sorry,” and until they bleed, you won’t forgive them. You know these people don’t you?

Forgiveness should be as simple as apology for you. Simple.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with you, just like apology might not have anything to do with you. It’s not about ego.

Forgiveness is not something mental that you need to construct in your head, it’s a spiritual discipline.

You know what, there are so many things going on at any given time that could be judged as wrong, as harsh, as terrible, as mean and as vindictive, and what we have to realize is that we could interpret everything that way, everything. If someone cuts you off in traffic you freak out and now you’re going to chase them down and run them off the road, and you won’t forgive them for five days, you’re mad about that guy who cut you off.

You know what you’re carrying? Bitterness and anger. Over a period of years that starts to wear on your face. It starts showing up in your body. It starts to slow you down in your progress in life, because you start thinking people are bad, so you divide yourself from other people. And, because you see other people are as bad then you don’t collaborate as much. You don’t ask for help. You don’t believe in the power of a team to accomplish something, and suddenly you find yourself alone, bitter and alone, because you didn’t have the spiritual wherewithal to forgive.

Forgiving is so simple. It literally is a decision. No justification or cause has to happen, and forgiving does not have to do anything with accepting the other person’s behavior, approving of it, justifying it, rationalizing it or understanding it.

Forgiveness is a personal power saying, I’m not going to be upset. You don’t even have to forgive them. You don’t even have to forgive their actions.. it has nothing to do with them.

Forgiveness has to do with a decision that you’re just going to forgive the weight that you’re carrying around about something that impacted you.

That’s the way to look at it.

It is a spiritual power in just dropping weight of negativity, of negative emotion and energy around you.

I can forgive so fast in my life, not because I’m so wow spiritual, it’s just because I’ve practiced it so many times. I’m constantly like,

“Wow, I’m kind of upset about that. Let me let that go, because it’s not going to serve my life. Let me let that go because if I don’t I can’t sleep tonight. Let me let that go because if I don’t I feel heavy and angry. Let me let that go because when I’m upset or bitter I don’t have a good vision for my future. Let me let that go, because if I carry it I’m going to walk that into my next relationship with someone I love, adore or care. Let me let that go, because nothing is served by being angry.”

Nothing is served by being bitter. Nothing is served in a relationship by Lording over something over someone else’s head. Nothing ever moves from that. There’s no positive movement that comes in a relationship that has been broken without first forgiveness. It has to happen and it has to happen in a place where it’s not about you. Do it just for your spirit.

Let go of the ego and just forgive somebody, not to approve of them, not to justify, not to rationalize. Like I said, just do it for your own mental and spiritual sanity, health and vibrancy. Just let it go. You need nothing more.

Make a decision today that whatever’s bothering you just let it go. Let that challenge of that relationship for now, just let it go and see how that feels. It will lighten the load and will allow you to soar again. It will give you spirit back. It will allow an openness in the life again that never can happen when you’re tugging at all this baggage on your shoulders that you chose to carry. Maybe they threw a piece of baggage at you and you caught it. You caught it and now you’re angry. You simply need to let it go.

I’m not going to carry your stuff anymore. I forgive the situation. I forgive you, only for my own mental sanity. That’s personal power.

That’s how you feel free in life again: From apologizing and allowing forgiveness into your life, you feel free again, and when you feel free again, now life is unbounded. It’s beautiful. The colors return to the sky. The whistle comes back to the work. Any metaphor you need to justify doing this, find it and let it go today.

Apologize when you need to.

Let it go every time, and suddenly you’ll find yourself fully charged.

Words to Live By: Forgiveness

One way or another, Forgiveness is sometimes one of the toughest things for any of us to practice. Sure, maybe we can forgive someone about most things but we all have one or two areas that really hurt us or tick us off that we hold a grudge.

Often people think forgiveness is only for that person who we forgive. In reality, forgiveness is just as much, if not more, for us, ourselves.

We’ve all been hurt in some way, right? Maybe something minor like a comment, maybe something major like infidelity or crime. We all get angry, bitter, resentful, and can feel victimized.

Here’s the important part- if you don’t practice forgiveness, you will be the one who suffers most.

An example: I had a relative that was mad at me for 20 years about something. She held this grudge and limited communications with me and others around me. She told me that she thought about it almost everyday for those 20 years.Guess what, her understanding of the situation was wrong – and – I didn’t know for 20 years. So in other words, she was angry/hurt/sad for 20 years about something that really didn’t happen and the people that she blamed, me and a few others, had no idea for 20 years. Who suffered? Who lost sleep and wellness?
I’ve done this with different situations through my life. Either I didn’t have a clear understanding of something, blamed someone in error, and/or that person had no idea or care about my thoughts and opinions. I was the one who paid.

If we don’t forgive others, we might pay the price over and over by bringing anger and bitterness into our relationships and experiences. Life could become so wrapped up in the wrong that we might ‘miss’ or not be able to enjoy the present. We could become depressed or anxious. It is possible that our lives might lack meaning or purpose. And if we’re religious or spiritual, not forgiving will be at odds with our spiritual beliefs. Not forgiving can also lead to losing valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Forgiveness, forgiving someone will make you healthier and provide many benefits to you personally…..

  • Healthier relationships
  • Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Fewer symptoms of depression
  • Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Whether you are a Christian or not, we can learn from the Beatitudes “Blessed are the merciful,for they will be shown mercy.” The Golden Rule is similar – if we forgive others, they will forgive us. If we are capable of forgiving someone, then we are more capable of being forgiven.

How can you work to forgiveness? Again, the Mayo Clinic has good suggestions:

  • Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
  • Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
  • When you’re ready, actively choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
  • Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

Dr. Wayne Dyer, author, has these things to say about Forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and your spirituality, and it remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally.  To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.  Forgiveness is a spiritual act of love for yourself and it sends a message to everyone, including yourself, that you are an object of love and that that is what you are going to impart.”

Wayne Dyer also said “Forgiveness is really an act of letting go, releasing the anger, the hatred, the bitterness, the thoughts of revenge that we have been carrying around. We can do this letting go without even encountering the person we want to forgive.” and “Taking all the anger and hatred that is standing in your way and replacing it with love is the most healing thing you can do. Fill your soul with love, rather than anger and so many things will change in your life. None of us needs revenge, but we all need love.” (http://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/why-we-forgive 8/13/10)

For me, I had to forgive people in business. When I was in my 20’s, I took over a family business. Clients and Vendors did things that I interpreted in a way (especially since I had a bigger ego then) that were offensive and I got angry and bitter. I complained, pondered on it, and I know that I pushed away opportunities, people and wellness. I wasted a lot of time long after the fact thinking about these things and it made no difference to them and only made my world worse. I remember the moment I realized that I was hurting myself I felt foolish. I looked back at all the people I complained to and felt immature. I feel like I instantly matured that day and I work hard at not blaming, holding a grudge, fuming over things. I still stray there but I can tell you that forgiving and letting go of the bad stuff really helped me in many ways.

Guess what, we must also Forgive Ourselves!

Here is a great article about Forgiveness

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

I’d like to leave you with a short, parting thought on Forgiveness from  author Mike Dooley and his website tut.com

“The best way to forgive is not to blame.
Lovin’ you,   The Universe ”

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