Category Archives: wellness

Choose How You Want to Feel

By Kare Anderson
Emmy-Winner | TEDx | Connective Behavior | Speaker | Columnist | Author | Strategist
Follow

Breandan and Emma, the couple up the hill from me in Sausalito have been married 54 years, they proudly told me last year. They walked, hand-in-hand past my home each morning, usually laughing, smiling and pointing out things to each other along the way.

Originally from Ireland, they listened, in bed, to BBC News at dawn so they usually had a tidbit of news to share with me if they happened to pass my home when I was finishing my lame attempt at morning exercises in the back yard.

When Emma died suddenly, Breandan stopped walking. He stayed inside their home and ignored my knock on their door. Several times. Later, when he started walking again, he told me his son, a motivational speaker on leadership, suggested that he start saying positive self-affirmations every morning “to lift his mood.”

He retorted, “My mood doesn’t need lifting! It’s right where it’s supposed to be.” So his well-intentioned son then mailed him a card pack with cheery faces on one side and, on the other, a series of upbeat daily affirmations. The card pack was entitled ”Yes, I Can!” to which Breandan hotly responded (to me, but not his son, I gather) “No I won’t!”

Write Yourself Through Your Journey to a Better Emotional Place

That gift inspired Breandan to get out of the old chair he sat in most days, with a morose look on his face, and take action, but not in the way his son intended. He wrote his own collection of “realistic affirmations.” I figured that the sentiments reflected his way of responding to grief, his stubborn resistance to being told to feel better and his core attitude about living life as it happens. Some were darkly funny. Yet his basic resilience started to shine through as he finished writing his sayings by the end of the year. “Not every cloud has a silver lining so start liking the clouds.”

I thought of Breandan when I read that Norman Vincent Peale may have been wrong, at least for some people, when he advocated saying positive self-affirmations to lift one’s mood. That’s a startling revelation for many of us Americans who have been bombarded with self-help messages based on the belief that positive affirmations are entirely beneficial.

“Repeating positive self-statements may benefit certain people, such as those with high self-esteem, but backfire for the very people who need them the most,” concludes social psychology professor Dr. Joanne Wood. Even those with high self-esteem felt only slightly better after repeating a positive self-statement.

The news gets worse for those with a low self-image Wood and her colleagues found:

• People with high self-esteem are more likely than those with low self-esteem to try to improve their moods when they are sad, as well as to savor their moods when they are happy.

• Those with low self-esteem sometimes even try to dampen their happiness, and engaging with others on Facebook seems to reinforce that reaction.

Don’t Fight Those Feelings. Instead, Notice Them, Then Choose What to Feel

Like obsessing more about the elephant in the room after being told to ignore it, being told to repeat “get happy” sayings, when sad, can make us feel even more sad. As Ed Yong concluded, “Statements that contradict a person’s self-image, no matter how rallying in intention, are likely to boomerang.“ “Don’t believe everything you think. “Thoughts are just that – thoughts,” wrote Pocket Peace author Allan Lokos.

Instead, of trying to change your feelings (as cognitive therapy attempts to do) change how you choose to view your thoughts. That approach calls on us to be mindfully observing what we are thinking and feeling from a calm pool, so to speak, without getting repeatedly sucked into the downward swirl of them. As Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”

Practicing this way we can notice what we are feeling in the moment without immediately reacting, thus becoming better at choosing how we want to act. This approach is called ACT:Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. To reinforce that practice, “think of yourself as a kind friend,” suggests Duke University psychology professor Mark Leary. That bolsters yourself-compassion and thus your happiness. “One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious, and the same may be said of guilt,” Alan Watts wrote.

Breandan, by the way, has begun writing his memoir, describing some of the adventures he shared with Emma, the people they met and the joy of living with her “through thick and thin.” His writing enables him to take the ACT approach, to observing and accept his sadness at his wife’s passing and to choose to focus, instead, on the many of the happy times they enjoyed together. He showed me the quote he chose for the first page:

“In the end, just three things matter:

How well we have lived

How well we have loved

How well we have learned to let go” ~ Jack Kornfield

As Byron Katie would say, he is “loving what is.” See more ideas at my Quotable and Connected column at Forbes.

https://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140716144633-7216756-choose-how-you-want-to-feel?_mSplash=1%5C&published=t

Advertisements

Frey Freyday – Comedy/Laughter

(Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff..)

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.-Charlie Chaplin


There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.-Erma Bombeck


Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.-Peter Ustinov


Disappointment is an endless wellspring of comedy inspiration. -Martin Freeman


Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.-Mel Brooks


When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.-William Shakespeare


Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.-Kurt Vonnegut


I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.-Audrey Hepburn


It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.-Wayne Dyer


I loved to make people laugh in high school, and then I found I loved being on stage in front of people. I’m sure that’s some kind of ego trip or a way to overcome shyness. I was very kind of shy and reserved, so there’s a way to be on stage and be performing and balance your life out.-Steve Martin

Laughter was the most recognizable expression of emotion in a recent cross-cultural study of emotional perception published in Psychological Science. –The Rotarian

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.-Milton Berle

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.-Lord Byron


(To Be Removed, simply reply REMOVE)

BONUS:

It will make you laugh a little….A funny little webseries that I like by Jerry Seinfeld:

http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/

Make THE decision in the right state of mind

Here is a great video that can help anyone with a tough decision, a tough situation, facing a situation or challenge that brings fear.

We all have to go outside a comfort level, we need to handle things without fear.

Our story can empower us or limit us.

http://getrmt.com/v1.php

Being rich is all about having the right habits

Being rich is all about having the right habits. That’s the message from Tom Corley, who spent five years observing how rich and poor people lived, worked, and even slept. Then, Corley wrote about his research in a book called “Rich Habits: The Daily Success Habits of Wealthy Individuals.”

Here’s what he found:

First: Be an early bird. Because among people making six-figures a year, about half wake up at least three hours before they have to be at work. Then, Corley says they use that extra morning time to focus on self-improvement like reading and exercising, because those things help them be more productive at work.
Another daily habit that can make you rich:Don’t gossip. According to Corley’s research, wealthy people are a whopping 14 times less likely to say they spread gossip, compared to people earning less than $30,000 a year.


Also: Spend less time using the Internet. Corley says most people who struggle with money spend at least an hour a day surfing the Web, or watching TV. But rich people are HALF as likely to go online every day. Instead, they spend that extra hour connecting with others in the “real world,” doing things like networking, socializing, and volunteering.


Another helpful habit: Make more “to-do” lists. Because wealthy people say they cross off 70% percent of the tasks on their to-do list every day – including short-term and long-term goals, meaning, rich people love getting stuff done.


Finally: According to the book, wealthy people are calorie counters. They generally limit alcoholic consumption, keep their junk food snacks to less than 300 calories per day, and weigh less. And it makes sense that successful people would weight less, 75% of executives in a recent survey said that being overweight is a “serious career impediment.” Overweight people are 3,000 times more likely to get passed over for a promotion. And fair or not, overweight applicants get turned down for jobs more than any other group.

http://www.tesh.com

Feeling stressed, tense, worried?

happyfacefinger

You know, we’ve all been there in one way or another: we’ve been tense and focused on money, maybe stressed, maybe short with our spouse, maybe short with our kids….and in that moment when we’re stressing about money, we’re missing the world around us.

You know what I mean when I say “That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach because you feel like you have to worry about running out of money at the end of the month.”

I’ve been there, then back on “top”, then stressed again, a few times in my life.

I heard a funny thing the other day; someone was saying how they thought ‘rich people’ always think about money and ‘rich people’ are all shallow.

Maybe some are shallow, but in my experience and from what I read, when you had enough money to pay the bills and to live in a decent way, you’re NOT thinking about money much at all. When you have enough to cover the bills, you can think about fun things, about things that you WANT to do in your job and career, and things that you can do for or contribute to others – you can choose to enjoy life a little more.

When I was struggling with income and bills, and when I observe others that have the same struggle to pay bills and meet their obligations, they think about money all day long.

There is a great book that I highly recommend called “Bridges out of Poverty”. It helps explain how people struggling in poverty are constantly thinking about how they are paying the bills, food on the table, tires on the car, utility bills, etc.

Even if we aren’t at the poverty level, we can sometimes have some traits of the poverty mindset……we worry about money, about paying the mortgage, about our jobs, etc. This never creates a good feeling inside, does it?

Again, as someone that has been back and forth, here is some wisdom that I’ve learned from a few others and I believe that it really can help:

  • Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want – instead of focusing on the bills and lack of cash, focus on the things that you really want, the freedom, peace of mind, better health, better relationships, enjoying life, security for your family, etc.

  • Watch your self-talk- we all talk to ourselves and ask ourselves questions throughout the day. There is enough negativity in the world, don’t add to it by bringing yourself down. I was someone who beat myself up for many things and once in a while still do – if you do also, STOP. Reflect on accomplishments, look for references why you’re good at something, ask yourself questions like “Why do I deserve this?” and “Why am I so lucky?” instead of things like “Why can’t I earn more money” or ‘why is this such a struggle’ or ‘why don’t I ever win anything?”

  • Have a vision – ok maybe your life isn’t where you want it to be now and you want to improve – almost everyone does….create a vision. It doesn’t have to be a major complicated thing – something as simple as some bullet points or a paragraph or two is fine – create a simple story of you as you want to be – make the story in present tense as if you already have it – as if you are already “THERE” and you’re looking back on today, when you are struggling. Make sure that in the story you talk about how you’re proud of the steps you took, the hard work, the good attitude, and how you changed for the better. Remember, tell the ideal story of your life as if it is already done!

  • Enjoy the present, live in the moment – when we worry about the future or fret over the past, we miss moments and experiences right in front of us. I recall a time when my wife and I had time alone and I sat there worrrying about something that never even happened. Another time I recall worrying about something and basically ignoring my daughters when I had a free day with them. We all lost and nothing was gained. Take a moment to look around, be aware, and live today’s life. Things can happen in a moment. Look for miracles. You gotta celebrate life’s moments no matter what. There is no rehearsal.

  • Here’s something that can be the toughest for any of us – do the above each and everyday. We can all do things for a while or on occasion, or here and there. We have to ask the right questions, focus on the good stuff, reflect on our vision, and enjoy the present every day! We all must take action – even if they are just baby steps each day. Ask, ‘what thing, regardless how big or small, can I do today?” You don’t have to spend long on it – but at least 5 -10 minutes. Can you turn off the TV, put down the phone, or walk away from the computer or ipad for 10 minutes if it makes you better?

Remember, people with much less smarts, ability, education, opportunity have done great things, contributed, made money, helped others, and been successful , you have the ability, you have the power inside, you just need to take action.

http://www.onewebstrategy.com

😉

This is a very good blog….

This is a very good blog from author Noah St. John www.noahstjohn.com

Your life is a reflection of your thoughts – what I call the thought-seeds you plant and give energy to.

More precisely, your life is a reflection of the unconscious assumptions you make about life and your relationship to it.

For example, if you grew up in an environment where there wasn’t much money, you would probably assume that making money is hard, and that’s just the way it is.

And because you made this assumptionunconsciously, you probably wouldn’t even realize that you’re holding on to it in the first place.

If you could find a mechanism that could record the thought-seeds you’re planting on the inside and play them back to you on the outside, it might sound something like this…

  • Why am I so broke?
  • Why don’t I have enough money?
  • How come I’m not more successful?
  • How come I can never get ahead?
  • Why do other people have so much more money than I do?

Well, a mechanism does exist that records and reflects your subconscious thought-seeds.

That mechanism is called your life!

So here you are, unknowingly asking yourself these negative questions, which lead to disempowering assumptions, which lead to you not believing you can reach your goals.

What do you think the answers would be to the negative questions in the example I just gave you?

The answers would be things showing up in your life that reflect the disempowering questions you’ve been unconsciously asking.

For example, if you’ve been unknowingly asking, Why am I so unhappy?…

The answers will show up as you being unhappy, no matter how many good things happen to you.

If you’ve been unconsciously asking, Why don’t I have enough money?…

The answers will show up as your lack of money, no matter how hard or how long you work.

And if you’ve been unwittingly asking, Why can’t I lose weight?…

The answer will show up as your not being able to lose weight, no matter how many diet and exercise programs you try.

I call these dassumptions—a portmanteau of disempowering and assumptions.

When you carry around these dassumptions,your life becomes a reflection of them.

That’s why all of the goal-setting in the world won’t work when this is the case—because you simply don’t believe that you can reach your goals in the first place.

Take Action Challenge:

Stop assuming you can’t. Start assuming you can.

Turn it around!

turn-around

THERE ARE LOTS OF TURN – AROUNDS…..

OK in business, there is a turnaround where someone steps in/buys it/whatever and takes a failing business, turns it around and makes it profitable  and successful again.

A movie star or rock star might turn around their career that’s been dormant or on the shelf. They can go from ‘has-been’ to overnight sensation in one movie or one album.

Those are more dramatic types of turn-arounds. However, more important turn-arounds are those in our every day lives.

A turn around that you make on your thoughts, on the self-talk you use, on the questions you ask yourself, and on the simple, daily habits you do each and everyday.

Those small things you do or say (or don’t do or say) are sometimes more important than the big turnarounds a celebrity or business person might make.

If you use the compound word “turn around” in a different way, I believe you’ll also have good results.

Here’s what I mean:

if you don’t like something, turn it around. For instance, you might say: “I hate my job.” Not empowering in any way, plus you’re focusing on what you don’t want instead of what you do want, you’re focusing on what isn’t working instead of what works. INSTEAD, say “I want a job that allows me to be creative, work as a team, and collaborate with others to help people…” (or whatever kind of job you want)
Now, when you say that, you’re focusing on what you want and a little more on what works.
To make it even better, turn it around into a question; “Why do I find jobs that make me feel fulfilled?”Why do I find team members at work that collaborate and allow me to be me?” Why do I find great opportunities that allow me to be creative and productive?” (or whatever you want) This way you’re asking your brain why you have what you want, and it will search for it.

If you ask, “Why do I eat so much junk food?” or “Why can’t I lose any weight?” you can’t turn around your life.

If you ask INSTEAD “Why do I eat healthy?” (and try to come up with at least one answer, then let your brain think about it), You’ll get a better result. You can also ask “Why do I lose weight and still enjoy it?” it might even be fun.

“Why do I find ways each day to lose weight, feel sexy, and have lots of fun?” Is even a better question that will lead to a turn around……

If you ask yourself bad questions, like “Why do I always get the short end of the stick?” or “Why is my boss such a jerk?” Your brain will search for an answer for those questions and also you’ll be focusing on what isn’t working. Turn it around with “Why am I so lucky?” “Why do things always work out for me?” “Why is my boss so understanding and supportive?” – then take a moment and try to find at least one little thing to answer it and leave yourself open for other answers. It gets better and easier.
Turn around the negative things into a positive question?
Turn around sayings what you don’t want into what you do want. Let’s face it, “I hate my job” is just an affirmation that makes life more miserable. If you ask “Why do I like my job?” you’ll focus on the good stuff. Maybe your boss won’t change but when you ask ,’why do I like my job’ your brain will look for what you like about it – maybe you like the desk, maybe you like the one guy in support, maybe you like other things you took for granted.
Turn around your life one little step at a time and incrementally you’ll build momentum.
Here are some other suggestions from Wayne Dyer http://www.waynedyer.com
TAKE THIS PHRASE       and               TURN IT AROUND INTO TO THIS ONE
It will be difficult …. into.…I have the ability to accomplish any task I set my mind to with ease and comfort. (then ask the same thing in a “why” question)
It will take a long time. into… I have infinite patience when it comes to fulfilling my destiny.
There will be drama…..into….I would rather be loathed for who I am than be loved for who I am not.
I don’t deserve it…..into… I am a Divine creation, a piece of God, therefore I cannot be undeserving.
I can’t afford it…..into…….I am connected to an unlimited source of abundance.
No one will help me…..into …..The right circumstances and the right people are already here and are showing up on time as needed.
I am not smart enough……into …..I am a creation of the Divine mind, all is perfect an I am a genius in my own right.
I’m too old (or not old enough)…..into ….I am an infinite being. The age of my body has no bearing on what I do or who I am.
I don’t have the energy….into…..I feel passionately about my life and this passion fills me with excitement and energy.
It’s my personal history (or my family history)….into…I live in the present moment by being grateful for all of my life experiences as a child until this day.
I’m too busy…..into….. As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul.
I am too scared…..into…..I can accomplish anything I put my mind to because I know that I am never alone.

(Remember to ask the same thing in a “why” question)

A small turn around will result in a tsunami of positive changes.

http://www.onewebstrategy.com

%d bloggers like this: