Category Archives: deepak chopra

Frey Freyday – Let Go

(Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff….)

LET GO / DETACHMENTthe action or process of detaching; separation (emotionally, physically)

The essence of the Way is detachment. – Bodhidharma

He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment.  –Meister Eckhart

In order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish you attachment to it. Deepak Chopra

It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go. J. C. Watts –

To be consistently effective, you must put a certain distance between yourself and what happens to you on the golf course. This is not indifference, it’s detachment.  -Sam Snead

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Lao Tzu

I cannot own anything. It is a valuable thought to keep in mind as you struggle to improve your financial picture, worry about investments, and plan how to acquire more and more. It is a universal principle which you are part of. You must release everything when you truly awaken. Are you letting your life go by in frustration and worry over not having enough? If so, relax and remember that you only get what you have for a short period of time. When you awaken you will see the folly of being attached to anything. Wayne Dyer

WORD TO LIVE BY:

Let Go – to mentally, emotionally, even psychically detaching oneself from an outcome, result, worry, concern, anger, pain, hurt, goal, challenge, etc.

I’ve written about having faith in others, in yourself, in a Higher Power, etc. before. I’ve talked about letting go in similar ways related to our desires and intentions, and even a little about letting go in relationships and with the loss of a loved ones. I’ve discussed detachment a bit too.

I must be honest, these are some of the harder things for me. In particular, I had difficulty for quite a while with letting go – or what some call the law of detachment.

We’ve had challenges and uncertainty in life and in the world/health/economy. We often consider that uncertainty is always bad.

But it is important to realize that there are good things related to uncertainty. With uncertainty there is a break or freedom from what has happened – from the past. The past does not equal the future. We have the opportunity to escape our own past habits, conditioning, from what we now know. It is an opportunity.

 If we are willing to step into the unknown, to have faith, and to detach ourselves from the outcome, we surrender ourselves to our own creative subconscious, to other people’s love and support, and to the creative powers that exist in this universe.

This doesn’t mean that you give up the intention or the desire, but you give up the attachment to the result.

That’s sometimes a little esoteric for me and difficult for me to do. I do know that it can also be very powerful.

I think about times in the past when I felt that I ‘needed’ a chunk of money to pay something. There are times when I needed a few hundred, other times when I needed tens of thousands of dollars for something.

Maybe for you it was a relationship that you wanted. Or maybe you wanted a new client, more sales, a new car, a house, that gadget, whatever.

We focus on it and we think about it and really just hang on it, right? We have a burning desire, we make a strategy and we really, really want it.

This is typically attachment. Typically this is not helpful. It can be based on insecurity, fear, scarcity. We think that we don’t have it, that it is separate from us and that we have a void and we want it to fill the void.  If you think about creation and abundance, those things are opposites. It can also show a lack of faith in ourselves and Creation.

Abundance, Creation, wealth, can fulfill every need. But are these things that we are chasing, really a need? Are they really necessary?

When we ‘chase things’ we create anxiety, tension, stress, don’t we?

As Deepak Chopra says, “Attachment comes from poverty consciousness, because attachment is always to symbols. Detachment is synonymous with wealth consciousness, because with detachment there is freedom to create. Only from detached involvement can one have joy and laughter.”

(When Chopra speaks of symbols, he means the materialistic, physical things that we desire in life; cars, money, homes, clothes, etc. Often these things can leave us feeling hollow.)

Attachment leads us more towards a world of helplessness, hopelessness, desperation and seriousness, doesn’t it? Think of those times when you felt that you needed something ASAP. You probably worried more, thought about the problem, thought about something related to it from the past or future and you weren’t in the present moment. You probably weren’t as creative or joyful, right?

So How do we DETACH?:  Essentially let go or hand over things to your Creator/God/Higher Power. Let go of all the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. 

Realize and take responsibility for your own actions and accept that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself. Let go of the “need” to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Real detachment means inner strength, and the ability to function calmly and with full inner control under all circumstances. A detached person is not harassed and hurried, and can do everything with concentration and attention, thus insuring a successful outcome of his actions.

There is wisdom in uncertainty. There is freedom and creativity in uncertainty, detachment.

When we are attached to something, we are in some way trying to control things. Controlling such is this is typically because we’re afraid. Our fear and our ego leads us to believe that somehow if we control things, everything will be OK. Instead, letting go will open us up to other possibilities.

We all seek security in one way or another. Again, I cite Chopra’s example when we might  desire money and expect security from it. “When I have X million dollares, then I’ll be secure.” But it never happens.

Seeking security in this manner can lead us to chase it for a lifetime without ever finding it.” Deepak Chopra. http://www.chopra.com/laws/detachment

It is also true that we all can sometimes get attached to “Our Story” – our past, our challenges, our history. This story of our life can limit us greatly if we get emotional and/or attached to it. Instead, we can have a healthy detachment to our past. This allows us to more easily identify the lessons and the benefit that comes from the experience.

Are you stuck in life because you are living out of a story you told yourself long ago? Are you reliving the same story over and over, placing your attention on the story rather than where you want to go? We all do it.

 Frey Freyday was actually born out of something I created called “Words To Live By” (WTLB). Going forward, I will now not only share the quotes, as you may be used to receiving, but also a related (WTLB). In 1999, when we had our first daughter, I was contemplating how I would raise my new beautiful child, and I was thinking about how I can best educate her and my other children about values, morals, and other key thoughts about life. School offers education. Religion offers some values and morals. Parents offer most of it, sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally.

So I created a (WTLB) book, like a dictionary, which lists things like honesty, love, persistence, etc. with a definition that I created, with my wife’s input. I then turned it into a workbook with one word per page and space below for notes. For years we would discuss with my two daughters and they would draw pictures and make notes in the blank space. I may share some of those images with you. As they got older, they were less inclined to draw and more open to quotes and references from adults, hence where Frey Freyday came from….

You can read more at www.onewebstrategy.com

  • BONUS:

Here are SOME EXCELLENT POINTS ABOUT DETACHMENT

They discuss things more in terms of relationships, but it is still relevant. http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

What is detachment? Detachment is the: * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. * Giving another person “the space” to be herself. * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people. * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing. * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence. * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering. * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling. * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. * Ability to allow people to be who they “really are” rather than who you “want them to be.” * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching? If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you: * Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you. * Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do. * Can become an obsessive “fix it” who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect. * Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things. * Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you. * Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual. * Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project. * Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy. * Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result. * Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship. * Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen. * Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

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Frey Freyday- Ego

(Frey Freyday is simply a bunch of inspirational, motivational and other quotes meant to make you think, reflect, smile, even laugh a bit. Hopefully helpful, useful stuff..)

The minute you start compromising for the sake of massaging somebody’s ego, that’s it, game over.-Gordon Ramsay


To walk around with an ego is a bad thing. To have confidence in yourself is a great thing.-Fred Durst


We must go beyond the constant clamor of ego, beyond the tools of logic and reason, to the still, calm place within us: the realm of the soul.-Deepak Chopra


Ego stops you from getting things done and getting people to work with you. That’s why I firmly believe that ego and success are not compatible.-Harvey Mackay

Our egos are often the invisible wall to getting things done with less effort. –Jim Frey

Let go of the ego’s need to be right. When you’re in the middle of an argument, ask yourself: Do I want to be right or to be happy? –Wayne Dyer


Nations have their ego, just like individuals.-James Joyce


Because of its phantom nature, and despite elaborate defense mechanisms, the ego is very vulnerable and insecure, and it sees itself as constantly under threat. This, by the way, is the case even if the ego is outwardly very confident.-Eckhart Tolle

 

20 Spiritual Lessons

I mentioned in another post that I am reading Deepak Chopra’s book “Twenty Spiritual Lessons for Creating the Life You Want”

It is about what Chopra calls “The Wizard” in all of us – another name for the Source, Universe, God, our Self, whatever we call that ‘magical’ strength, wisdom, and power inside of us all…….The Wizard is eternal, it is essentially our Spirit that is connected to all…..

I said that I’d pass along good lessons and ideas….

…here are a few more…

“The Return of the magical can only happen with the return of innocence…..

…The essence of the wizard is transformation.”

Think about when you were young – the dreams and things you thought of as a child…..

…you could get excited and super focused about “IT” and you could spend lots of time on it – and not even know how fast time flew by….

your thoughts, actions, intentions, feelings….they were pure, right? They seemed to be true to the real you.

There was an innocence about you  wasn’t there – you didn’t worry about all of the things that could go wrong – you didn’t worry about it at all, right? You just dreamed it! You just wanted to go make it happen.

As we get well into adult life, we forget and even try to abandon our child, our innocence. Often it gets away from us and we all lose touch.

We get into our everyday lives and worry and forget about living in the moment, about our dreams, our innocence.

But it only takes a moment to relax, live in the moment, look for things to enjoy, and look for something to celebrate.

Meditate, focus, relax, get centered, and remember what you love. Take time for you. Go into nature,

Take time to find the innocence, the magic inside…

.

.

Wizard Within – follow up

I am reading a book by Deepak Chopra called “Twenty Spiritual Lessons for Creating the Life You Want”

It is quite good.

It is something that I have written about on occasion and sometimes try to put into practice in my own life, but often do not.

The Wizard can represent a number of things or beings – it could be our own Spirit, the Universe, the Source, God, the Universal Intelligence, the Higher Self….or whatever you might refer to the power, love, force, and spirit that runs through us all. The Wizard is a metaphor….

HERE ARE SOME KEY THOUGHTS FROM THE BOOK THAT I THOUGHT WERE WORTHY OF NOTE….

“when the doors of perception are cleansed, you will begin to see the unseen world – the wizard’s world. – …purification (cleansing) consists of getting rid of the toxins in your life : toxic emotions, toxic thoughts, toxic relationships….”

“The wizard lives in a state of knowingness. This knowlingness orchestrates its own fulfillment. The field of awareness organizes itself around our intentions. Knowledge and intentions are forces. What you intend changes the field in your favor. Intentions compressed into words enfold magical power. The wizard does not try to solve the mystery of life. He is here to live it.”

“The wizard is the teacher of alchemy. Alchemy is transformation. Through alchemy you can begin the quest for perfection. You are the world. When you transform yourself, the world you live in will also be transformed….”

“TIme and the timeless are not opposites. Because it embraces everything, the timeless has no opposite. At the level of the ego, we struggle to solve our problems. Spirit sees that struggle is the problem. The wizard is aware of the battle between ego and spirit, but he realizes that both are immortal and cannot die. Every aspect of yourself is immortal, even the parts you judge most harshly.”

“Seekers are never lost, because spirit is always beckoning to them. Seekers are offered clues all the time from the world of spirit. Ordinary people call these clues coincidences. To a wizard there are no coincedences. Every event exists to expose another layer of the soul. Spirit wants to meet you. To accept its invitaiton you must be undefended. When you seek, begin in your heart…..”

“The reality you experience is a mirror image of your expectations. If you project the same images every day your reality will be the same every day. When attention is perfect, it creates order and clarify out of chaos and confusion.”

“The uncertainty you feel inside is the doorway to wisdom. Insecurity will always be with the quester – he continues to stumble but never falls….Human order is made of rules. The wizard’s order has no rules. …it flows with the nature of life.”

….wishing you some magic and wizardry in your life….

.

🙂

The Wizard Within….

outreach

I am reading a book by Deepak Chopra called “Twenty Spiritual Lessons for Creating the Life You Want”

It is quite good.

It is something that I have written about on occasion and sometimes try to put into practice in my own life, but often do not.

The Wizard can represent a number of things or beings – it could be our own Spirit, the Universe, the Source, God, the Universal Intelligence, the Higher Self….or whatever you might refer to the power, love, force, and spirit that runs through us all. The Wizard is a metaphor….

The Wizard is that force or spirit that we all have, the true self that never really changes, the person that remains the same as we grow, as we face challenges, as we worry about materialistic things – the Wizard knows what is really important, the Wizard helps us stay on the course when we’re worried, concerned, or chasing the “Joneses”.

The Wizard is that voice inside that helps you make a decision, that helps you stay on track, and that provides you a foundation of strength, serenity, and guidance. The Wizard in us sees the real world, the real person in others – not the beautiful or ugly skins and bones, but the spirit inside.

  • There are some great lessons in this book; some new and fresh, some are things we all probably already know but are definitely good to be reminded of…..
  • Spend time pondering not what you see but why you see it.
  • The Wizard exists in all of us. This wizard sees and knows everything.
  • The Wizard is beyond opposites of light and dark, good and evil, pleasure and pain.
  • Everything the wizard sees has its roots in the unseen world.
  • Nature reflects the moods of the wizard.
  • The body and mind may sleep but the wizard is always awake.

For someone like me who has a difficulty making time for meditation, I found the quote “Without silence, there is no room for the wizard.” very helpful and meaningful…”without silence ther cannot be any real appreciation of life, which is as delicate in its inner fabrics as a closed rosebud.”

…also, Wizards don’t live in fear…when asked “How do you manage this peace of mind?”, the Wizard says, “Look within where there is only peace.”

Lastly, Chopra writes this….”The mind may succeed in making you intelligent, but it is poorly equipped to make you happy, fulfilled, at peace with yourself.”….”the Wizard is inside you and only wants one thing: to be born.”

…..I’ll share more good thoughts from the book as I come across them….

Best wishes for some magic from your inner Wizard today…

..

🙂

Words To Live By: Purpose

purpose(This is one of a part of a series of WORDS TO LIVE BY. This series grew out of a workbook I first made for my young daughters and discussed at the dinner table. These Words include values, good ideas, and Words to aspire to….and learn from….enjoy!)

Everyone has a purpose in life. We all have some sort of unique or special gift(s). Some are obvious (Olympic athletes), others are not.

When we use the gift or talent and serve others with it, we can really find happiness and enjoyment in our lives…..but how do we do that?

“Dharma” is a Sanskrit word meaning ‘purpose’ or ‘purpose in life’. It has been interpreted to say that ‘we have taken on a physical form to fulfill this purpose’.

Deepak Chopra says in the book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” that you and I have unique talents and a unique way of expressing them. In other words, Chopra says that there is something that you can do better than anyone else in the whole world. He also says that there are unique needs out in the world. When you can match the need with your talent, he says “that is the spark that creates affluence….Expressing your talents to fulfill needs creates unlimited wealth and abundance.”

Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.  – Thomas A. Edison

He suggests that we tell our children that they are here for a reason. They are here for a purpose. They have a divine gift inside them. Tell them this over and over. Whatever religion or spirituality you follow, this is compatible. Encourage and remind your kids to be focused on what they are here to give.

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.  – Dalai Lama

Chopra says that there are three components:

  1. Each of us is here to discover our Self – and that we’re spiritual beings having occasional human experiences.
  2. To Express our unique talents. When you experience or express the talent, you may find it to be a revelatory experience. Time, energy, all seem to fade away.
  3. Service to humanity – to serve your fellow human beings – ask “How can I help? How can I help those that I come into contect with?” He says that this is the real way abundance is achieved.

I have not yet read the book “Purpose Driven Life”. I am told that it addresses the most basic question everyone faces in life is Why am I here? What is my purpose? Self-help books suggest that people should look within, at their own desires and dreams, but author Rick Warren says the starting place must be with God and his eternal purposes for each life. Real meaning and significance comes from understanding and fulfilling God’s purposes for putting us on earth. I have it on my list to read soon.

Warren says that these are God’s five purposes for each of us:

  • We were planned for God’s pleasure
    • so your first purpose is to offer real worship.
  • We were formed for God’s family
    • so your second purpose is to enjoy real fellowship.
  • We were created to become like Christ,
    • so your third purpose is to learn real discipleship.
  • We were shaped for serving God
    • so your fourth purpose is to practice real ministry.
  • We were made for a mission
    • so your fifth purpose is to live out real evangelism.

Actions to do – Answer two questions – “If money was no concern and you had all the time and money in the world, what would you do?” AND “How am I best suited to serve humanity?”

All successful people men and women are big dreamers. They imagine what their future could be, ideal in every respect, and then they work every day toward their distant vision, that goal or purpose. Brian Tracy

What do you think?

Letting Go, Detachment, Faith

I’ve written about having faith in others, in yourself, in a Higher Power, etc. before. I’ve talked about letting go in similar ways related to our desires and intentions, and even a little about letting go in relationships and with the loss of a loved ones. I’ve discussed detachment a bit too.

I must be honest, these are some of the harder things for me. In particular, I had difficulty for quite a while with letting go of a desire – or what some call the law of detachment.

The essence of the Way is detachment. – Bodhidharma
 
Like many of you reading this, I’ve had challenges and uncertainty in my life and in today’s economy. We often consider that uncertainty is always bad.
 
But it is important to realize that there are good things related to uncertainty. With uncertainty there is a break or freedom from what has happened – from the past. The past does not equal the future. We have the opportunity to escape our own past habits, conditioning, from what we now know. It is an opportunity.
 
He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment.  –Meister Eckhart
 
If we are willing to step into the unknown, to have faith, and to detach ourselves from the outcome, we surrender ourselves to our own creative subconscious, to other people’s love and support, and to the creative powers that exist in this universe.

Deepak Chopra says, in relation to the Law of Detachment, “in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish you attachment to it.”

This doesn’t mean that you give up the intention or the desire, but you give up the attachment to the result.

That’s sometimes a little esoteric for me and difficult for me to do. I do know that it can also be very powerful.

I think about times in the past when I felt that I ‘needed’ a chunk of money to pay something. There are times when I needed a few hundred, other times when I needed tens of thousands of dollars for something.

Maybe for you it was a relationship that you wanted. Or maybe you wanted a new client, more sales, a new car, a house, that gadget, whatever.

We focus on it and we think about it and really just hang on it, right? We have a burning desire, we make a strategy and we really, really want it.

This is typically attachment. Typically this is not helpful. It can be based on insecurity, fear, scarcity. We think that we don’t have it, that it is separate from us and that we have a void and we want it to fill the void.  If you think about creation and abundance, those things are opposites. It can also show a lack of faith in ourselves and Creation.

Abundance, Creation, wealth, can fulfill every need. But are these things that we are chasing, really a need? Are they really necessary?

When we ‘chase things’ we create anxiety, tension, stress, don’t we? As Chopra says, “Attachment comes from poverty consciousness, because attachment is always to symbols. Detachment is synonymous with wealth consciousness, because with detachment there is freedom to create. Only from detached involvement can one have joy and laughter.”

When Chopra speaks of symbols, he means the materialistic, physical things that we desire in life; cars, money, homes, clothes, etc. Often these things can leave us feeling hollow.

Attachment leads us more towards a world of helplessness, hopelessness, desparation and seriousness, doesn’t it? Think of those times when you felt that you needed something ASAP. You probably worried more, thought about the problem, thought about something related to it from the past or future and you weren’t in the present moment. You probably weren’t as creative or joyful, right?

So How do we DETACH?:  Essentially let go or hand over things to your Creator/God/Higher Power. Let go of all the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. 

Realize and take responsibility for your own actions and accept that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself. Let go of the “need” to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Real detachment means inner strength, and the ability to function calmly and with full inner control under all circumstances. A detached person is not harassed and hurried, and can do everything with concentration and attention, thus insuring a successful outcome of his actions.

There is wisdom in uncertainty. There is freedom and creativity in uncertainty, detachment.

To be consistently effective, you must put a certain distance between yourself and what happens to you on the golf course. This is not indifference, it’s detachment.  -Sam SneadWhen we are attached to something, we are in some way trying to control things. Controlling such is this is typically because we’re afraid. Our fear and our ego leads us to believe that somehow if we control things, everything will be OK. Instead, letting go will open us up to other possibilities.

We all seek security in one way or another. Again, I cite Chopra’s example when we might  desire money and expect security from it. “When I have X million dollares, then I’ll be secure.” But it never happens.

Seeking security in this manner can lead us to chase it for a lifetime without ever finding it.” Deepak Chopra. http://www.chopra.com/laws/detachment

Let’s talk more about uncertainty. Here you step into the unknown. This world is wide open. It is yet to be defined. It is the drop in the water of life that starts the ripples, that start the waves. All things are now possible. You will also experience excitement, adventure, mystery, magic, celebration, exhilaration.

It is ok not to have a complete, firm idea what you’re doing in the future. If you get too specific, to rigid, you can shut out the possibilities that may be available to you.

You can still have a goal but when you consider uncertainty, your goal could change or other possibilities and opportunities can come up. It isn’t about forcing an idea or solution. It is more about being open to what comes along and being alert and prepared in the present moment.

As they say, good luck is opportunity and being prepared.

Softly and kindly remind yourself, “I cannot own anything.””It is a valuable thought to keep in mind as you struggle to improve your financial picture, worry about investments, and plan how to acquire more and more. It is a universal principle which you are part of. You must release everything when you truly awaken. Are you letting your life go by in frustration and worry over not having enough? If so, relax and remember that you only get what you have for a short period of time. When you awaken you will see the folly of being attached to anything. ~Wayne Dyer”

It is also true that we all can sometimes get attached to “Our Story” – our past, our challenges, our history. This story of our life can limit us greatly if we get emotional and/or attached to it. Instead, we can have a healthy detachment to our past. This allows us to more easily identify the lessons and the benefit that comes from the experience.

Are you stuck in life because you are living out of a story you told yourself long ago? Are you reliving the same story over and over, placing your attention on the story rather than where you want to go? We all do it.

LIVESTRONG.COM HAS SOME EXCELLENT POINTS ABOUT DETACHMENT

They discuss things more in terms of relationships, but it is still relevant. http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person “the space” to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they “really are” rather than who you “want them to be.”
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive “fix it” who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

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